just around the corner. my little heart bleeds for this month. if only i hadn't made it so much worse. if only. but i did. i think its appropriate to say, yeah, that hurt. even here, even in my little ole blog that maybe a handful of people are actually seeing, i can't explain myself fully. theres so many layers upon layers of hurt and pain coursing through me and not a soul to be next to my face telling me its going to be alright this time or really ever. alone, i am as it seems i am mostly, and selfishly, i realize that i am not alone in this dilemma as most go through this often. it is just so loud a tune of loneliness in this house and in this world that i am continually listening to on loop and for once, i'd like to hear something else.

this is by far the hardest point in my year for personal reasons. no, not pertaining to my birthday. i am quite happy to be turning older, but i sometimes wish i would finally listen to my own advice and not face oncoming traffic with open arms and a smile. i put myself in the way of future let downs and heartache and it seems that those who try to be a real friend, i turn from and lose, and those that don't want that burden, i try to haplessly lean on and then lose. i've lost someone dear to me in this month and year after year, it doesn't get easier, i just get better at remaining silent. unfortunately, the symptoms are recognized, the condition diagnosed, and yet, i keep on keeping on with my foul games. im okay sometimes, being the vessel, being the person that you just dont know, being just an image, but i really hope theres more to me in there. something someone will want to get in touch with.

enough of the self pity. there are clearly bigger things then me out there that are far more pressing and in need of concern. but it feels good, it feels like decompression to share, to write, even if to no one, maybe someone will finally hear me and answer.